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Mostly Letters To Colors That Haunt Me

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» (No Subject)
I've been back at it for almost two weeks now. Making up for lost time. Back at work, good at work, it's there. But mostly making up for my time that I lost to the couch. I wan't to be out all the time lately. I come home, shower, pop some tylenol and then back out. Febuary and it's warm, and then it's raining and, then sun is shining, and it feels like I can do anything so long as I'm not here.
I hate that I still hurt, that I whine about it, I hate the whining so much. I apologize to all the people who still have to hear about it.
I just talked to my grammas on MSN. Makes me smile. I better get out before I tempted to do something like stay. Take it easy y'all.
» Sticking Around for the Ending
I'm going back to work. I can't stand this anymore. To fuck with my back when the couch is swallowing me whole. Anyway, the plan was to go back maybe two days a week, look for other work since the money's going to be less... and then I talked to my boss and it was all over. I won this thing at work... it's a motivational thing, all the staff are monitered on there performance over a three month period and graded, the person with the highest score gets a holiday with pay.

When I was in highschool I was sort of I dunno, a bit of a shit disturber, maybe a lot of a shit disturber, anyways it doesn't matter. I managed to attract most of the other shit disturbers and this was good cuz we had fun but honestly I don't remember ever feeling like much of a bad ass and I really didn't think other people saw me that way. It's stupid, I know, but I didn't, least of all my friends. Anyway, I had this one girlfriend, we were togeather for a while and I think she was a lot about the fact that I busy disturbing all this shit, but things got fucked and then it wasn't fun and finnally we get somewhere near my point. I never knew it about myself untill this one night just before we broke up, I was saying lets go hit a coffee shop and book out. We were at this bush party and I was so ready to leave. She got this really confused look on her face and then got all pissed and she said that I always do this, I always wan't to book out and she was sick of it and that she'd never really seen me this way before but that I was sort of a pussy.
Anyways, I watched myself for a while and it's true, when the action stalls I'd leave. I'd get nervos or bored or whatever and then I worked on it. I stuck around when i wanted to go and now here I am some forever later and maybe this is the same thing.
But then what if I'm just being dumb? Sticking it out with a job that's fucked my back, and now the pay and I don't know. What if I'm just being lazy, not wanting to really go to the effort of seeking out a new job, maybe even a new field.
I dunno, I can't afford to not go back though. Workers Comp hasn't said boo back yet and it's getting awfully close to the first... We're making meals from our staples and I am permanently in Trivky's debt for the avacado and bagles we all devoured the other day. :) (Thanks love.) It's getting late and beds starting to sound like an okay option. Later then.
» What comes after the inhale?
4:20 in the morning and I feel fucking panicky. I really need to sleep now.
» Unfinished
Once apon a time there were two little girls and they were bored with things that were the same and decided to do something big and beautiful and different. Each of them rushed home and packed up everything they owned, everything that mattered and they said there goodbyes and moved out west.
The two girls found a big sunny attic in a house with a witch and her many lovers, who would get naked and dance in the moonlight and renoovate kitchens in there knickers. This scared the girls very much so they mostly did not stay there much, instead they bought copius ammounts of alchol and spent many beautiful summer nights talking the night away under the shade of park trees. They would have picnics of wine and ciggarette on the beach and drive through the mountains and there were always fireworks raining down on them, and it was always night time and they could always see the ocean.
Summer turned to fall and the girls realized that they could never go back, never be away from the ocean and the mountains and each other. And they said to each other, "We need to build a fort." "I'll get the pillows." and they laugfhed and laughed while they built a shack of twigs and dried roses and drift wood and beautiful fabrics and blankets and giggled the nights away. Because they had someone to talk to and people to become. And they were happy.
But it's so hard to go into the city, because you wan't to say hello to everybody. And not everyone smiles, and not everyone tells you there name. And the girls realized that the things that they had left behind would catch up and wondered if they would be ready when all those things caught up. So they gathered there ammunition, the people and the dreams and the drugs that would take them away... just in case.
The drugs were bad, and the people, well not all of them smiled, and not all of them told you there names. The dreams they got in the way... And the girls wondered about the fireworks and where they had gone.
I don't know where the story gose from here... but it get's better. I know it gets better.
» (No Subject)
When I'm not working, I love the mornings. Floping out of bed at 1/2 past one, snuggling with a stuffed bear for just a few more minutes. Bare foot down the hall, big gulps of water straight from the tap.
Been applying for a new job, couple days now, got an e-mail back on one... might be a go for. I dunno, good hours, three days a week, 20 some odd hours and the rest of the week to myself. Not so much the one I wan't though. I have to go back soon. Me and Teags' worked it out, rents covered but after that we will not have two cents to rub togeather. It's too bad. We were finnally in this alltogeather financially stable place. Ah well, if I did it once I can do it again. I figure if I get this other job I can probably work two days with my current employer and the three with the new guy, two solid references, and climb out of the hole real fast. Maybe pay off some of the student loan.
This is easy now. If I had to go back to work in ten minutes it would be fine. Maybe that's why. Why I'm not healed, maybe I have to wan't it and I don't. Aside from the fact I'm finnally getting comfortable here, I'm terrified to go back.
I wish the doctors out here would stop thinking they know more about me than I do. I could just walk into the office and say this drug works and this drug dosen't and I need repeats of this one for the just in case and addictive my ass. Someone should have told me that prior. There would be hell of a lot less fighting, when what I really need to be doing is keeping my card castle life from coming down around me.
Instead I have a long line up of doctors and rotate amoung them. Instead I frequent the natural stores, and cut drugs in half, in quarters, do without, and put up with dirty looks from physicians and pharmacists alike. Fuck your moral objections. All of you. If your not going to perscribe them than either find me someone who will or fucking bloody well help me.
Probably should start the day, breakfast and the like.
Enh. Be nice,
» Koufax
On the first date I want to walk out
Oh, the cocaine kids and their mouths
Seemed to be a cure for shyness,
But we'd sworn to our friends never to try it

The mistakes you make in youth

Simply calling it trouble doesn't make sense,
When doctors and lawyers are clients
These are the things that we said
Made it fine for just something on weekends

There is more to this than I'm telling you
Why we're drawn to things we shouldn't do

Still that night, we hoped for a normal social life
In place of a difficult adolescent time
Oh yeah, just a normal social life
Which lead to a mischievous New York night time
And it just so happens now, our friends know what we're all about

Now we've got to get back to the city
We could care less if it is costly
There are those two streets in Brooklyn
And it's Lou Reed lyrics as living

There is truth to what I am telling you
Why we're drawn to things we shouldn't do

Still that night, we hoped for a normal social life
In place of a difficult adolescent time
Oh yeah, just a normal social life
Which lead to a mischievous New York night time
» Call It an Echo
I sit knees bent, back arched, waiting for the drugs. Seems it's been years this way, always waiting for the drugs. Waiting to be broken, waiting to be fixed.
Somethings coming up beneath me, I can feel it, in the morning especially, with the rain stealing its way in the open window, settling watermarks on the pages and pages of things to do and projects abandoned. Before I open the door and let the familiar armies rush in, take over my day in great gulps. The hours have become motonous, one overlapping the next, until the minutes streak by subtle and failing focus.

And still it comes. With the incesant ringing of the phone, in between with the commercial breaks. It comes through brilliant and blue and whispers to me, about everything, cool and damp, and liberated. And I'm screaming, tell me again, tell me the stories, about how I could be better.
Lie to me. Just once more. Lie to me and tell me I could be more, that I could be enough.

I don't heal, and I know why now. She's waiting too. Like a promise at the end of every long day at work- you will go home. She's been waiting for me while I wait for the drugs and it's been this way for years. If I could just catch up... Didn't I promis that? Run ahead, I was smiling when I said that, run ahead, you just watch me, Watch me catch you. She must have laughed, smiled so all I could see was her eyes. What wen't wrong? It must have been big. And I think she must be sad.

But it's been awhile. Probably only an echo. And if the time comes and I'm still wrapped up, limbs entangled, than that's what I'll call it. And I'll be so desperate to hate her, for teasing me this way. So desperate I'll ache.
» (No Subject)
This looked like too much fun not to do.

Name: Elisabeth
Nickname(s): Li, Liz, Lizzy, Lizard, Lizard Kitten, Lis', Lisa, Lisa Belly, Lizard Breath, Summer, Summer-Storm
Pseudonym: Say what?
Age: 21
Sex: female
Occupation: care aide.
Brief description of yourself: intense and melo dramatic
Hobbies?: writing, painting, sculpting, mostly I like art,
Allergies?: Everything that moves and a whole bunch of stuff that dosen't
Do you have any physical disorders?: couple.
Do you have any psychological disorders?: yup
Are you happy with the way you look?: suppose
What would you change?: my skin
What wouldn't you change?: my body
Sexuality?: I'm gay
Who is your idol?: Dunno, used to be Torey Hayden
What is your Screen name?: Summer-Storm
Do you have a best friend?: Yup
Do you and your friends ever argue?: Plenty
Have you ever had a crush on a friend?: Uh Hun
Has a friend ever had a crush on you?: A Few times
Would you ever date a friend?: All else into consideration...
Why?: It dosen't so much matter to me. I've had good experiences in terms of having a person be a freind, then a lover, then a friend, or then not. Mostly these things work themselves out, and I've almost always been okay with it.
Girlfriend?: Not if I can help it
Are you a virgin?: Born again baby.
Do you have any crushes if so, name your top 5- Tegan Quin, Angelina Jolie, Trachenberg's character Dawn (season six and seven), my boss, this hot punk from the bar
When was your last kiss?: two days ago
Who with?: Trivky
Describe your kissing style: don't so much have one, more have issues
Do you believe in love?: maybe
Have you ever been in love?: yup
Mothers name?: Elizabeth
Pets?: Not recently
Who do you live with?: My sister
Do you intend to get married?: dunno
Do you intend to have children?: god willling
What would you call a boy?: Jasmine, Joshua
What would you call a girl?: Gabe, Elisabeth,
What are your future goals?: get off the couch, make dinner, eat, eventually I would like to go to work, though not nessisarily with my present job.
Favorite song of the moment?: Saturday's Alone Koufax, With Arms Outstreched Rilo Kiley, I don't wan't you back Eamon, I don't Blame You Cat Power... this could actually go on for a good while...
Favorite all time song?: By 3Eb: God of Wine, 1000 Julys, London, Deep Inside of You, Alright Caroline By Ani: Both Hands, Utouchable Face, Angry any more By Cold Play: Yellow By Rilo Kiley: The good that won't come out, A Better Son/ Daughter, Papillon, Paint's Peeling... this could also go on for a good whack of time...
Favorite album of the moment?: Albums didn't they go extinct with the invention of the CD burner and internet thieving? Mostly only pay for music if I REALLY got something out of the tunes, so probably Tegan and Sara's albums, The Eels albums and Third Eye Blinds Albums.
Favorite all time album?: Electroshock Blues by the Eels
Your 5 favorite bands/groups/singers of the moment: 3eb, Eels, Rilo Kiley, Janis Joplin, Cat Power
Favorite song by each of them?: (Today)
1) 1000 Julys
2) Jeanies Diary
3) The Good That Won't Come Out
4) Cry
5) I Don't Blame You
Can you play an instrument? yup
What?: harmonica
What would you like to play?: If I ever got a hold of some mircal drug that cures tonedeaflessness and lackingalltogeatherinryhtm, I'd love to play the drums.
What is your favorite lyric?: "There's a changing constellation in the balls as we are playing..." "And in each other's shadows we grew less and less tall and eventually are theories couldn't explain it all..." "... and you loved things just because like the sick and the dying, and sometimes when youre on, you are really fucking on, but the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheep, and it teases you for weeks in absense. But you'll fight and you'll make it through and you'll fake it if you have to." "I walk Haight St. to the store and they all say where's that crazy girl, you don't get drunk on red and fight no more, cause I don't see you anymore, since the hospital." "Freedoms Just another word for nothing left to lose." "If it's not her it's not here." "Never look back at the damge we have done now to each other, and when I see you it's like I'm staring down the sun." "Built a shack with an old freind, he was someone I could talk to someone I could become."
What were the last 5 movies you watched and what is your opinion of each?:
1. Run Lola Run- Phenominal Brain Tease, best type of movie to sit back and discuss while you watch, 2. But I'm a Cheerleader, sappy and sexual in a high school kicks type way. Great drinking flick for lesbians, 3. Buffy The Vampire Slayer (origonal Movie), Only for Hardcore fans and only when you're slightly medicated and glued to couch after a week of being off work. 4. The Hulk- great screen work, out of all the comic book type flicks this one was by far truest to it's origonal form 5.Quills- this is an amazing flick for discussing late into the night afterwards, sexy, intense, comical, and greusom.
Favorite actor?: dunno, who plays Spike on BTVS? Di' Caprio,
Favorite actress?: Jolie, Goldberg, Moore, Rider
Film Character?: Marla in Fight Club, Demi Moore in the Aliens Quad and GI Jane, The little kid who plays Pepper in Little Ani, Rougue in X-men 1 and 2, Jolie in Gia, Rider in Girl Interupted, Barrymore in Boys on The side and Firestarter, The entire cast of What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Mike TV in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Billy from Billy Elliot, the mum from Requim For A Dream... I think i like the people in movies more than I like the people in my life...
Last 3 books you read?- Paradise, Flowers for Algernon, the secret garden
Favorite TV programme?: Don't so much ever watch tv, but I own the first five seasons of BTVS on DVD and watch daily, and am starting to burn Six Feet Under semi regularly
Favorite comedian?: not so much
Favorite food?: scrambled tofu topped with mushrooms, onions, tomatoes, and rasins, sauted in a rasberry vinegrette. Throw some home done hashbrown on the side and top with a vegan cheese substitute and you're in heavan
Favorite drink?: homemade smoothies and orange juice

1. Are you allergic to latex and/or spermicide? mild allergy to latex
2. How many sexual partners have you had? never tell
3. When is the last time you had sex? three days ago
4. Have you exchanged oral with a member of the same sex while claiming to be straight? yes.
5. Have you ever used sex toys with a partner? yup.
6. How long on average does it take you to climax, with a partner, and without? with a partner? An hour, sometimes two or three. Myself? I can usually strech it for fourty five minutes, twenty riding climax.
7. Do you have a favorite position for all partners or does it vary with each person? Depends on my mood more than the partner
8. Do you enjoy anal stimulation? Dunno
9. Do you consider yourself a fetishist? If so, over what? Yup, but they're my secrets
10. Who do you want to sleep with that might be reading this? I'll never tell.
11. Do you prefer large sex organs to smaller ones? I like larger breasts
Would you consider your assets to be small, average, or MAGNUM? Moslty tiny.

1. Are you on a diet? Sure, the too lazy to cook diet
2. Have you ever been diagnosed with an eating disorder? Yes
Do you think you may have one? I didn't then, I don't now. I like food, a lot.
3. What 3 food items can you not stand? Meat, dairy, eggs
4. Do you have any food allergies? Plenty, the worst cherries, nuts, and pears
5. What is your all time favorite restaurant? Anything geared towards vegans and vegatarian, greek, indian, itallian or mexican
6. Do you enjoy ethnic variety? If so, what are some of your favorites? mexican, greek, indian, italian
7. Would you rather die or eat human flesh? I rather die than eat animal flesh, humans I might consider
8. What is you favorite item to cook? leprachaun mashed potatoes (add steamed broccli and carrots) fried tofu with penut schewan and oriental veggies
9. Do you think eating habits are gender-specific? Woman are typically supposed to be frail and thin- the whole waif figure so I sorta figure they spend more time dieting, eating less, eating "healtier foods"
10. Have you ever used food during foreplay? yup.

1. Do you read fashion magazines? No.
2. Do you consider yourself up to date this season? No.
3. How much would you spend on a haircut? On a cut? 'Bout twenty dollars. If I have something special I wan't (anime stylings and fire engine red highlights, dred extensions Coin shaped hawk blades) I'll spend more, particularly enjoy having this shit done in a really chic place for the reaction from the stylists.
4. Where do you prefer to buy clothing? Sally Anne, American Eagle (the ethical issues make me feel like hell but it's the only place I can find pants I'm willing to pay for- ever.), down town vintage stores
5. Do you judge books by their covers? Back cover, or inner leeflet- I don't bother to judge, most of the time things have already judged themselves for you
6. Do you knit/sew/design, etc? I used to before my sewing machine got ripped off
7. Are you allergic to any fabrics or dyes? plenty but a couple runs through the wash and everything but hemp is wearable.
8. Who has the best fashion sense out of the people who might be reading this? iconex
9. Would you date someone who dressed completely different than you? maybe, not so much caring about style as which shops products are purchased from, like how old was the third world worker who made them type issues, are the companys work standards horrific? Do the companies green wash (worse than companies who make no claims not to be evil)? If the person is wearing fur or leather did they buy it first hand?
10. Where do you buy your underwear? American Eagle, and BUM outlets

1. How often do you shower? I'm a smoker. Everyday. Sometimes twice.
2. How often do you shave? every few days, my hair dosen't grown back very fast.
3. Do you keep your pubic region natural, neatly trimmed, buzzed short, or bald as a baby? depends on who I'm sleeping with.
4. Do you bite your nails? nu unh
5. Do you wear deodorant? sometimes
6. Do you have any strange grooming habits? not that I will ever admit to

1. How often does your musical taste change? Every couple of years I find a new style I'm into and add it to the whole.
2. Would you prefer to see a live band or listen their record? I like music; live, on cd, tape, record, 8 track... If I love the band I wan't to see them live and own every version of every song, if not my favorite way to get at the music is to steal it off the internet, and the best place to listen to it seems to be driving with the windows cracked and the volume all the way up
3. Have you ever been in a movie? nope
4. Have you ever met any rock stars, actors, or actresses? I met the basist for tee n ess, and had a brief encounter with Cat Power.
5. Do you play any instruments? just the harmonica
6. Do you play sports? yup.
7. What was the first movie you remember crying to? Schindler's List? No wait, the Land Before Time... I cried for hours.
8. Did you lose your virginity to music or a movie? Neither.

1. Do you have a daily workout regiment? If so, what does it consist of? I walk just about everywhere
2. How often do you play sports? Not so much into team sports, but durring the summer, spring and fall I mountain hike, rollerblade, swim, jog, when I can afford it I ski in the winter.
3. How often do you have sex? When I'm single: every few days, for months and then I'll just get sick of playing the field and sleep with myself until I get over it. When I'm in a relationship: Every two days or so.
4. Do you have a favorite time to walk, run, or ride a bike? When ever it's raining, or overcast
5. What's the longest distance you've ever walked, ran, or ridden on a bicycle? I walked from Missisauga Ont. to Orangville Ont. it took almost two days.
6. Are you capable of bench pressing your own weight? I've never benched pressed anything, but I've done transfers at work with people some 250 lbs.
7. What's the most you've weighed in the last 5 years? The least? I was on this funky medication for a while, I never felt full and everything sort of tasted better. I weighed maybe 135. When I was in Toronto I weighed maybe 105lbs. I don't really ever put on or lose much weight, regardless of what I eat.
8. Do you consider yourself out of shape, just right, or a fitness guru? I eat well, and I'm sort of lucky, I natural stay prety well in shape. Most of the time I know I need to treat myself better or start excersising more when my athsma kicks up or after a night of dancing my legs burn.
9. Who is in the best physical health out of the people who might be reading this? No comment.
10. Do you drink? How often? For the last couple weeks mostly not not drinking. Typical circumstances? 3 times a week depending on my work schedual
11. Do you smoke? pack and a half a day
12. What illegal substances have you used in the past? When was the last time you used them? I play around a lot with perscription drugs, to date I've tried everything but peoty (sp?) heroin, and cocain
13. Are you addicted to any substances? nicotine, imovane
14. Have you ever been abusive as a result of being drunk or high? kinda, more so really gave it to people who deserved it because I was too snowed to care. Have you ever been abused? Yeah.
15. Are you close with your family? My youngest sister and I are almost symbiotic. My aunt, my gramma and one of my cousins mean the world to me.
16. Were your parents abusive (physically or mentally)? If so, what did they do to you? No comment.
17. Have you ever attempted suicide?
18. How often, if ever, do you have thoughts about suicide?
19. Do you think that the state of your nation's well-being affects your personal well-being? Probably but if I'm honest it's just too far from me to really belive that it's affecting my life.
20. Do you crack your bones? When I'm nervos, or feeling all superiorish and feeling bad about it.

1. what is the first person you ever slept with's middle name? fucked if I know
2. what kind of underwear are you wearing and what color? I'm in my pjamas right now so none buy I wear almost exclusivly boys blue black or gray B.U.M. underware
3. what is the song you want played at your funeral? I will always love you by tina turner and the colrs and the kids by Cat Power
4. what is the phone number of your sluttiest friend so some of the single people can get some action? My dream come true would be to have my sluttiest friend's genitals fall off. I'm so not about being an accomplice to the fucked up shit this woman pulls.
5. what would your last meal be before getting executed? Pact of ciggarettes, two bottles of red wine, a quarter of bc shroomies, a huge pitcher of room temperature tap water, and since I'm going to die by execution I figure it might be okay to have a veggie burger from Harveys without asking if it's fried on the same grille as the meat... and a large onion rings.
6. beatles or stones? The beattles Yellow Submarine on VHS
7. if you had to pick one person on earth who should die, who would it be? whichever fuckhole politician in Ottawa is making there career on trying to keep gays and lesbians from being legal able to marry. Maybe not die... maybe have his lips surgically attached to Bill Gates Left Testical.
8. last person you want to hear their problems? I could not sit in the same romm with Eminem, let alone listen to his problems without being violently motivated to pin him to a chair and force him to watch hundreds of consecutive hours of S Club Videos. That'll fix him.
9. what is the thing most important to you about the opposite sex? That they stay away from my dates.
10. do you secretely hate some of your friends but are too nice to reject them? Some days... that's sort of sad, i don't really have that many friends.
11. if you could have any super power what would it be? I'd like to be able to take on the the consistancy, shape, texture, color, be able to become what ever surface I touch at will. Litterally be able to blend into the backround or melt into the floor.
12. favorite hangover cure? Wake up early and take two tylenol and with a glass of tap water then back to sleep for about an hour.
13. how many drinks does it take to get you drunk? I am permanent low tol. Doesn't matter if I drink five days straight or fifty. Three beers will still get me snookered. Typically it takes a whole mess of liquor to get me sick though.
14. favorite outkast lyric? say what?
15. hair color you most like someone you're dating to have? red or black
16. if you had to be blind or deaf? Wouldn't be the end of the world.
17. do you have any psychiatric problems? Almost doubtlessly
18. siblings that should go to rehab? most of them, we'll set it up for june and call it a family reunion.
19. least favorite month? I hate the end of Novemebr right through untill the middle of January.
20. favorite hateful thing to do to someone? Invite them over, sit them down and then take them apart into all these tiny little peices, lay them all out in front of them and ask them to defend themself. It's a hateful thing that I really only do to people I hate...
21. first movie you can remember seeing as a kid? The Sea Prince and The Fire Child and ET
22. favorite person in the whole world? My kid sister
23. when's the last time you went on a date? I dunno if I've ever been on one. That whole pick you up at seven, dinner and a movie thing, I kinda thought that was just something you see on bad teen movies and family sitcoms.
24. do you like violent movies or dirty movies? I like erotica, providing it's erotic and not just smut. Violence, occasionally and it's iffy.
25. fall or spring? both
26. person you most wish you hadn't made out with? I fucked a lot of men before, or as part of the process of coming out.
28. if you are straight, what person of the same sex would you do it with? If I was straight I would love to do Spike from BTVS
29. where do you want to live when you are old and brittle? A little house in the city with a big front porch thats all decaying. Me and my baby sister can chill out in our rocking chairs, scarring kids that go by and sipping jackie D's from a florecent sports bottle.
30. who is the person you can count on most? My sister
31. if you could date any celebrity past or present, time and age are not factors? I wan't one night with Janis Joplin.
32. what books have you pretended you've read? the end of Sophie's World, the dictionary
33. what's a word you would use to describe your life? innculcated
34. favorite drinking game? funneling wars, I'm decidedly bad at it and usually excused to sit back and watch everyone else get too drunk to stay in an upright position. Funny as hell.
35. what did you dream last night? Fragments of something about walking down a big street with this super wide deserted road. Going up to the doors of different business, opening them, being told no, trying the next.
36. favorite vices? ciggarettes and imovane. I would rather go blind or deaf than, go through a day without them.
37. what is the last thing you'd ever tell someone? so you think this makes me look fat?
» (No Subject)
Again today, the cool and the damp and I wake up to the phone ringing and it's my boss and she's in a better space today, i know cause I love her again. She's driving passed and droping off all the papers I asked for, then some.

... and did she feel guilty, no she did not...

It's nursery rhymes and I love the upswing. So down the stairs and I'm standing in the street in my pjamas and the cotton tee is ample, woman walking her dog in coat and scarf and this is spring, like that day we all ripped off our coats and skipped school to celebrate. Blue and all our friends sprawled out in the back of the parking lot, coffees and sunshine and a blanket of winter gear, set up for our little picnic.

I can do anything, travel or go for a walk, and neither better or worth more. Today I am equal to the sum of my parts.
» What a Little Rain can Do
Been one hell of a weekend. Tegan and I were up all saturday night fooling about with pictures and photo studio, and drinking till dawn. It was so warm and close, just chilling out togeather, sort of lost in are own thoughts. Around five, or six we ventured from our smokey smelly apartment and sat downstairs on the stoop listening to the rain come down.

Trivky buzzed in at at quarter to nine or so. Planning on sleeping since she lost her keys in her mail box (heh), cept not so much sleeping but more drinking and lots of sleep deprived giggling. I dunno, I guess me an Teag' were inspired or something because we ended up cleaning the whole apartment. Trivky sort of roamed around the apartment and shot some incredible pictures. These are my favorites



I guess we crashed out around two in the afternoon, got some three hours. Loving the whole sharing my bed with a beautiful woman, all snuggly and the like. Wake up at seven or so and watch Buffy untill almost one in the morning. Favorite lines ever: "They do spells togeather. Sometimes, I think about two girls doing spells and I do a little spell myself." and " I think I've figured out how to steer by gesturing emphatically with my hands." Anyway, winding down were listing to cat power and Trivkys sprawled on the couch, I get to drawing all over her back with supposed washable markers which really aren't so washable cuz my hands are still blue after some forty times washing.


I didn't start today so great, kinda woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I had an appointment for the doctor at quarter after one. My back is still bothering me, and being that the longer I'm away... It's going to be impossible to go back to work. I dunno, I don't think it's even probable. If this is hapening after five years in the field where am I going to be in ten or fifteen? I geuss I'm job hunting. I know I'm hunting, I just don't know what else I can do.

Anyway so after Trivky booked out Me and Tegan drove to the clinic and now physio and a specialist and more drugs that make me hate everyone and sleep 24/7. Something funny, different. When I came down, just before I moved out here from back east I spent a week just walking about the down town core, breathing in the rainy season and thinking about travelling and maybe going crazy. It was liberating. Cool, damp, and liberating. Today was the same, only different because before it was all about being alone and okay and today it was about tegan and the tunes and the rain and drizzle and the way we sing along to the car stereo and now it's about me and her, all cool damp and liberated.

So we stop at the parking lot that opens the lynn valley trail and remeber how tottally okay we were this summer and how if nothing is ever good again there will always be today. She thinks maybe it's about winter, bad times for me, winter. Maybe it's Vancouver then, maybe it's the weather and having triked my mind into thinking the winters over. Maybe not, but there is today.

We tour the city, north van, and finnaly home. So a good day then. I'm riding this incredible vibe, I dunno. I keep thinking something good is coming. Posted a few resumes tonight, one for a rape crisis center. I remember what it was, that feeling, it was knowing that what they'll say, how it will look won't matter, won't change a goddamn thing.
» not so ok with this... see I told ya'll the youngest is purest...
(Tegan) (www.livejournal.com/users/iconex) writing here... pulling all nighters with your sister and then doing... "quizzes" is never a good idea.... :/

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
CategoryYour Score Average
When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself
Puts 'em on the glass
Sex Drive 31.6%
I got needs, baby, you gotta unnastan'!
Knows the other body type like a map
Gayness 1.8%
Makes Dr. Frank-n-Furter look tame
Fucking Sick42.5%
Don't look in the basement
You are 28.39% pure
Average Score: 72.6%

» (No Subject)

Life's A Show...

Which Buffy Musical Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
» Where's the on button?
Anybody know how to make the width of the box on the right hand side, the "about" box, smaller?

Anyway, it's almost five so bed now maybe yes.
» On The Couch
It's been weeks and I'm still on the couch being that I am back on the couch... And well, good (!) cuz me and the sofa we're getting tight, bonding and sharing and when I lift up the cushions there are all these presents like dunno, change and the lighters I can never find when I need to light up a butt.
I'm so scared. And yesterday I'm lying here and a fragment filters in past the legarthy, something about your daughter, mother, sister, best friend. They're terrified and when it comes back to me it's comical because it's just the gay neighbor; and what if this is as good as it gets? Just the girl next door. It's trivial then and safe and I'll fade away , back away. From the sharp edge of melodramatic panicky type thoughts and find myself staring, the reflection overlapping the daytime television, that's where I'll be and just staring back at the blankets and ashtrays and the body I've abaondoned, on the couch.
It's toronto see, chasing me. The cold and the tired and the drugs and how I've been mostly drunk and drugged since I got stranded here. I can feel the how it's draining me and how it's worse because now there is Tegan and she would go home and I would never ever repair the damage. Like the debt you run up befor you know to stop and suddenly it's twice what it was and keeping you up at night. I don't want this. I don't like the taste. It's bitter, and old and makes me wonder about maidens and crones and just where I fit in between. I'm too young, and not smart enough to be lying here and worrying over my body. Not now while I'm still too young to be wondering where I wasted my life.
» Birthday Traditions
i'm 21 today, yesterday, and it's always the same, every birthday like the first one, cold and wet and crying. I didn't cry this time, so maybe somethings changed. Work. I'm going back, unless, something radical, and then the message on the machine: Paycuts, new scheduals, and I'm not strong. My back aches and I'm not strong. Not when I told myself I would be. Not when it was true. Even then, it was a lie. Like a costume is a lie, even dressed up were still naked underneath. So my birthday tradition. on the tenth day I close my eyes and behind me is this great dessert and the ruins of haunts we spent time in crumble in the still sick like air. And I'm standing on the edge of a great gaping hole, so thick and deep, so wide across that I can't see the bottom so wide that I can't see for another way around. And I'm scared. Mostly I'm scared. This time it was different, cuz this time Tegan. She's standing next to me and I know she's ready to jump. We'll fall. Fine, we'll deal with the bottom when we get there. Why ruin the view? You make me understand love. This is my best birthday ever.

A huge thank you to the phenominal people in my life who helped me in being allright today.
» Getting it Together
I've been off for a week now. Work. Soon. I'm not so much looking forward to this. I don't think I want to go back. I keep thinking with so much time off I should have accomplished something. Maybe I did. I napped a lot. It was quiet, nice. My boss is putting me on all nights for a while, less transfers. I don't think I can do this job right yet. I'm still sore and the drugs are making my head spin and I think maybe some sort of narcolepsy, cuz in the past two days i've been falling asleep right in the middle of talking to someone, listening, other times (Inoportune).

My backs so fucking sore. Maybe I'll go back to bed.
» Quiet
So things get quiet and the house is asleep and I'm still a touch wasted and there are always the bodies. The bodies of the evenings victims wrestled downs around me.

Not quite ready yet. Something still- I wan't to be heared I want to open my eyes and see you and breath you in and wonder about the sunsets and the bottles I swallowed in geat bites some odd 10, 5, years ago and think about the first time I heard this song and inhaled it up all alone, desperate to share. Even then I was so desperate. Even then I needed to turn around, and look at someone say, "Did you hear that?" Did it change you? Did it make you better? A better person? A better lover? A better daughter/ son, a better friend? (Rilo)

So what then? When is it okay and I can wrap my arms over yours feel the goose bumps and know that we are just a couple of kids in love? That I will never get older, the sun will never go down in the wheat fields behind your ages old farm home and your mum, well she will never go to bed untill we are fast asleep , me wrapped in the sleeping bags on the floor and you warm in the bed. The cat will run over my chin and in the morning my face will bubble so we can fake it just one night more.

This is always for you. Even when it's for her. It's for you and you are really gone ever since when he meant more. So lets ask our audience then, yes you, in the back,

"In your opinion can anyone ever compete to the first? The very first girl who you laid down and who made you want it enough to toss away every greeting card, every pop hit single, every sodin' romance; tucked away in the harliquins... Salt over your sholder, and better luck?"

I've been in love since blue.

I think about you and I know you were what it took. What it took. From me, since you got over it and I'm still looking for what you didn't give. The day by the lake that your parents parents dug to fill wilth the streams and the children that would bring you up from the leaches and railroad trips thru the orient. And we knew it was over but I swam thru the cold to the other side with your mum watching and knowing all along that I loved you more than what was natural and biblical. And I swam and then on my knees I clambered through the pines and weeds to rip a branch from a dying willow.

I brought it back for you that day. When I wouldn't swim for the fish, I'd swim to bring it back to you. Proof. You said it was dead. But I knew better. I knew it would survive the winter with roots streched into the ice.

Ice came befor you. When I was empty and she, Sky, told me secrets.

Later you would tell me that you could have built a brand new tree, if you planted it. I still don't understand how a branch can be a tree. I dunno. But I know that I am a romantic, a show off. I also know that I have no friends. Not since you.

I've been in love since blue, but she has no color. I'll take credit fo the sex in between when I lay in arms outstreched and playful and thought about bed knobs and broomsticks. And I wen't over. I've been in love since blue. Since you. I think this is the key component. If it had only been you, or then her as your gadjet arm (Go, go.) then maybe he would not be sleeping and maybe I would not be pining for the lust I felt before I hit double digets.

I wan't to talk about being in love with not blue and I hit the keys and sum her up and think about the wool sweaters and think that mostly I was too little to play. That I saw them and wanted up but I was too little and mostly too big for my britches. Nothing has changed.
» Yellow emerges in red wine
Another good reason to flee the scene before me. My friend is on the sofa, talking to my sister and that's good. It my turn over hear with Ani and her million you never made thinking about Yellow who brought the song to me and Red who it was for and how the Jamaican men would sing and with a touch of wine I can hear them. From beneath the covers with Yellow beneath me. I whisper in her ear, "Tell me what you wan't me to do." but she shakes her head and I feel so ashamed. I remeber who is watching and that it will hurt her. I sober up fast and eat her and it's fake and empty and a performance and then it's the next morning and we continue act two and we'll keep each other warm in the ontario winter where she's gloveless and I'm overheated in wool and we both hate her because we love her so fucking much and she's out grown us. We'll spend the rest of our teen years trying to catch up and nothing will come of it, ever, not i comparison. She's writing a book now, a novel on where she's been and she asked for pictures, of me. I think I look better clearer, empty. I hope she wants for it. Yellow, just to let you in, You defined lust. ANd I hope your lying now in the apartment your girl bouys for you and the drugs up your nose and I hope you hear this song snd you remeber that I asked you. Exactly anything and you turned me down.
» (No Subject)
I leave for work in 32 minutes. This is how panic runs you. I work three minutes down the street but I give myself a half hour to get over. Just in case. In case I forgot something. In case I think that I might have forgotten something and stand outside my door breathing deeply for ten mnutes convincing myself that yes the lights are off and I have my keys and no ones is getting in. Convincing myself that it won't be so bad. That its always scary untill I'm there. I give myself the extra time because the crosswalk at thirteenth and chesterfield is always crazy and no one watches where there going and if I get hit I would like to think that i will have time to crawl if need be. I'd like to think that. Today was the polar bear swim but that was at two thirty and If I wen't, then I would not have been able to cope, to slow down, to stay standing. It would have been nice. To go. To do the things I wan't to do, but thats not how it works. For a long time after toronto, I looked for a shrink, someone who maybe could help me. And I kept looking, even though mostly I could be seen once a month and mostly got nthing short drugs. I wen't through five maybe. One of them... Well I had an appointment at three but it was way down and the busses were funny then. I could never seem to be on time, hours early, hours late, in the wrong area of the city... it got so that I couldn't get on to the bus without bracing myself for a couple seconds. It sounds awful. Stupid. I know. But see, imagine getting on the bus, after calling the schedual, after checking the number, after standing in the righyt spot on the right side of the street that you've stood on every day and then your on the bus and going where? And how in gods name are you going to get where you need to be when you stop where and then you've got to spend your going home fare and then you're stranded and being stranded in toronto is mostly my worst nightmare. And it happened once and it was a bitch. And then again, and again and for weejks, i walked or tooks cabs everywhere. Anyhow, I was preety fucked up about it. They say that extended periods of stress and fear can bring out a psychotic episode where a persopns thoughts, actions, affect get muddled... So I'm three hours early for my appointment, and twenty minutes with this guy and he tells me times up, and I think maybe the hour wen't faster than I thought cause time was pretty fucked up then to. Playing tricks all the time. I missed half an exam chilling out in the sunshine waiting for the classroom to open... Maybe five minutes. Maybe... I told the guy, y'know things aren't making so much sense and I don't know so much what to do and I always feel panicky. He told me to hold out. Give the drug time. Maybe the drug was making it worse. Maybe the drug was the reason I was afraid of the ttc (transit). I realized later, in a coffee shop, winding down, getting ready for the next bus to take me to ? and realized that twenty five minutes had gone by since my appointment started, including my three block walk to a nice smokey coffee shop. I'd been in the neighborhood for five hours. I think I realised at exactly that moment that it wasn't working out. I didn't even bother to cancle. The prick wasted five hours of my life. I hope he waited.

So nothing got fixed so much. And that's okay I suppose. It's better than losing everything trying to fix what isn't so much broken. So three hours befor work will usually do it, provided one hour is spent completely alone and in a quiet atomasphere and I didn't spend time with anyone prior, even if I did have things to do, just have to do the alone. This applies to most of my life.

The apartment has to be clean befor I can eat. If it takes less than ten minutes I need to sit for another half hour. Two ciggareetes befor a getting back up. An hour in the morning to convince myself that leaving the house isn't so bad ect. ect.

Todays a bad day. It makes me think they're all bad, but not so much. Some days all this planning works, other days it dosen't, but atleast I'm functioning. Still kicking.
» Best Wishes
So it seems to be theme right about now, so many people I know are all falling in to those lusty desperate cravings to be in love. So any how, this ones for you.

I have climbed the highest mountain
I have sailed across the sea
I have wrestled with my demons
And woke up with only me
I have been around the block
Three times maybe four
And I think I deserve just a little more

In front of total strangers won't you kiss me
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh I want to be in love
You're standing on the doorstep in the rain
Cause you couldn't wait to see me once again
Oh I want to be in love

I have made some big mistakes
And I've paid a heavy price
I found a little peace between will and sacrifice
I have watched as all my dreams
Went walking out the door
And I think I deserve just a little more

In front of total strangers won't you kiss me
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh I want to be in love

I'm looking for a heart of gold
I'm looking for a hand to hold
A happy end
Strong and kind
Somewhere to rest my troubled mind

In front of total strangers won't you kiss me
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh I want to be in love
On Tuesday light the candles bring me wine
Wednesday morning I won't get to work on time
Oh I want to be in love

Yeah, surprise me as I'm stepping off the plane
Take my hand as they play our song again
Oh I want to be in love
I want to be in front of total strangers when you kiss me
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh I want to be in love

In love, in love, in love, in love, in love
Oh I want to be in love. M.E.
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